Desperately Surrendered
Jill Perna / Lay Minister
I have been reading “My Utmost for His Highest” by Oswald Chambers this summer and one recent morning my son and I were in a devotional titled “What Do You Want the Lord to Do for You?” The scripture reference was Luke 18:41, “Lord that I may receive my sight.” This is the story of the blind beggar sitting by the roadside who hears a crowd going by. When he asks what is going on they tell him “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.” The man calls out, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” The crowd rebukes him and tries to hush his cries but the man cries out again, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Jesus asks that the man be brought to Him. He asks the man, “What do you want from me?” The man answers, “Lord, that I may receive my sight.” Jesus replies, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.”
In this devotion Oswald Chambers poses the question, “What is the thing that not only disturbs you but makes you a disturbance? It is always something you cannot deal with yourself.” He further states, “Persist in the disturbance until you yet get face to face with the Lord Himself; do not deify common sense.” Further, “If it is not an impossible thing, it is not a real disturbance. God will do the absolutely impossible.”
For the beggar it was his blindness, but for my son it is something different. You see, my son has been dealing with a physical “disturbance” his entire life. While this is nothing that will harm him it certainly impedes his quality of life in certain ways. As his mother, I have experienced sadness, frustration, anxiety, and most recently, defeat over this matter. I have adopted an attitude of, “well, hopefully it will just resolve on its own over time.” We have been to specialists, we have tried medications, techniques to aid in remedying this issue. Nothing has worked. We have prayed as a family about this, but I confess my prayers at times have been riddled with doubt. “But Lord, what if it doesn’t change? I don’t want my son to not believe You are there or that You are punishing him as he has sometimes felt.” Or “Ok God, just tell me what to do to fix this for him.” As if I hold any power to heal my son! Oswald Chambers wraps up the devotion with this, “Our agony comes through the willful stupidity of our own heart. We won’t believe, we won’t cut the shore line, we prefer to worry on.”
My son and I digested all that we just read, and the most amazing discussion ensued. I assumed all this had gone right over his head as he is only 12 years old, but as always with God, wisdom and clarity burst through like rays of sunshine after the storm. My son confessed that he only prays with about 85% certainty that God can heal this in him. I saw how afraid he was to confess this but immediately the relief that came over him. I shared in that confession and admitted that I also have been praying with doubt in my heart. We sat there for a minute and felt the presence of God with us. We were finally at the point as Chambers would say, “…until you yet get face to face with the Lord Himself…”, just as the blind man was brought face to face with Jesus. However, in contrast to the blind man, our cries for mercy were halfhearted, lacking the desperation this man obviously felt. He cried out not once but twice because he knew this was the only person who could help him, Jesus of Nazareth. He could not let this opportunity pass. My son and I finally shared in the blind man’s vantage point. We were finally desperately surrendered, releasing our own willful stupidity.
We prayed and confessed our doubts. Something changed that I can’t describe. Our prayer felt different. Our 85% had finally transformed to 100%. As a result of his faith, the blind man received his sight. For my son and I, it was our lack of faith that revealed how blind we have been, unable to see Jesus face to face and ask Him for what we want. This thing we have been worrying about and drudging through has always been an opportunity for faith refinement. Chambers says, “Faith is not in what Jesus says but in Himself; if we only look at what He says we shall never believe. When we SEE Jesus, He does the impossible thing as naturally as breathing.”
The blessing isn’t necessarily in the outcome, it’s in the journey. It’s in that moment you finally sit face to face with our Creator of the universe and abide in relationship, even if it only lasts two minutes. That’s the blessing I want, that’s the blessing I seek, and when I find myself in that position, I never want it to end. I desire every circumstance that brings me to that place because there I know I’ll find rest from every disturbance.